


Insomnia

by East02End



Category: Ballum, EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Homecoming, M/M, PTSD, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-11
Updated: 2021-01-15
Packaged: 2021-03-16 00:34:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28697766
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/East02End/pseuds/East02End
Summary: *They say insomnia is the inability to sleep. For some it’s fear. For some it’s stress. Still others, anxiety. For me? It was ‘all of the above’ and more you could say. It’s unclear how much more I can take. The real truth? Life is a cruel bastard who loves playing games with me.*
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 13
Kudos: 24





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Now, I had this idea about this fic for a while and I keep thinking of bits of ideas for it and swore to myself I wouldn’t post it whilst I’m writing another. But you know me, I get too impatient and post it anyway ;) I’m still gonna focus on my other for now but I really wanted to post this first chapter cos it’s been sitting in my drafts for nearly a month and I can’t leave it alone :)) I’ll add tags and warnings and other jazz when I write more.

They say insomnia is the inability to sleep.

For some it’s fear. For some it’s stress. Still others, anxiety. 

For me? It was ‘all of the above’ and more you could say. 

Too many seconds, minutes, hours, days, months, all merged into one. 

Too many sleepless nights and restless days. 

It’s unclear how much more I can take, maybe that one thing in the future will break me. Or maybe it will be the making of me? I’d love to say, but no one knows anything really, do they? Not where life will take them or gets thrown at them. People just carry on and get on with life. 

Callum was supposed to be back with the army for a year tops but life doesn’t work like that. The real truth? Life is a cruel bastard who loves playing games with me. 

~*~

Callum’s tour finally ends this month. He’ll be home just in time for both of their birthdays and they can be together, for the first time in a year. 

“Three more weeks!” Callum grins when Ben’s video call gets accepted.

Ben grinned back at Callum, lying across their bed, his head resting in his hands. “It doesn’t seem real.” He settled on one side of the bed, bringing the laptop to his side. He lies down facing the laptop, Callum always doing the same so it’s like they’re lying in bed together. They do this a lot, making them feel a little closer. Even if it is hundreds of miles away. 

“I know, I can’t wait though,” Callum says with a soft smile. “Can’t wait to just fucking hold you. God, Ben, I can practically feel you now. I just wanna lie there with you, breathe you in.”

“Me too.” Ben smiled. “I miss you so much. Miss everything, even the whole bottle of aftershave you stick on in the mornings.”

“I do not use a whole bottle!” Callum retorted. 

“Fine, half then?!”

Callum rolled his eyes, smiling at Ben anyway. 

“I miss you too, baby, but it’s not long now, hold onto that.”

“I swear I’m gonna kiss you so much, you won’t be able to breathe.” Ben grinned.

“I can’t wait.” 

“What time you shipping in then? I gotta be there.”

“Bout tea time. That’s alright innit?”

“Course it is, you muppet. I’ll be waiting.”

“I really need to see you first. I miss everyone but you know, I’ve been driving myself crazy missing you more.”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be there.” Ben says with a soft smile. He knows exactly what Callum means. He just needs to see the love of his life, needs to hold him, feel him, smell him again. 

~*~

“Callum!” Ben grinned, dropping everything and running over to him. 

Callum grinned at Ben, Ben actually jumping on him, wrapping his legs around his waist. 

“Your early?” Ben smiled, pressing hard kisses onto his mouth. 

“We left a little earlier so I wanted to surprise you.” Callum smiled, putting Ben back down. 

Ben kissed him again, still grinning to himself. “I’ve missed you like crazy.” 

“Me too.” Callum smiled. 

“You look so good.” Callum says looking him up and down, finally seeing all of him. The computer only does so much.

“So do you.” Ben says back, noticing how big he looks. He knows how muscular Callum got in the army, he’s almost always topless in his video calls from the heat in Afghanistan, but it’s different in person. He can’t wait to get him naked later and really appreciate him.

They stare at each other for a few more minutes before Callum crashes their lips together, and it’s like fireworks. Like actual electric coursing through him because they haven’t been able to do this for the whole year. 

Callum grinned to himself, hearing the small moan escaping Ben, parting his lips, Ben immediately kissing him harder, exploring his mouth all over again.

“Think that was the best damn kiss we’ve ever had.” Ben grinned. “And we get pretty desperate in bed at home.” He chuckled. 

“Been waiting too long to do that.” 

Callum wrapped Ben back up in his arms, Ben bringing his arms up to his neck, pulling him in closer, deepening their kiss.

It feels like forever and no time at all before they’re pulling apart. They rest their foreheads against each other, breathing heavily.

“I love you.” Callum says softly. 

“I love you so much.” Ben smiled, looking him in the eyes. He didn’t think he could ever look away again. “Don’t ever leave me again.”

“Never again,” Callum says. He decided during his tour that he wouldn’t re-enroll. It’s been amazing, it was his dream. But his dream now is to have the life he’s always wanted with Ben. 

“You promise?” Ben asks. 

Callum brings his hand up to caress his cheek, smiling softly at him. “Promise. You’re my dream. You and our life together,” He whispered. He pulls him in closer and places a soft, sweet kiss to his lips. “Now come on, I’m dying for a pint.” He chuckled. 

“Not sure about a pint of beer but I could have a pint of you right now.”

Callum snorted, shaking his head at Ben, his eyes sparkling as he laughed. He laced his hand around Ben’s, heading in the direction of the car, swinging theirs hands together gently. 

~*~

See, this was how it was supposed to happen but life doesn’t always give you a happy ending. And here was me thinking Callum was going to come home like this. Dreaming for months it would be like this.

But that’s all life is in the end. A big dream until someone decides that’s it, this is your end. 

Why did my life always end up going wrong? I couldn’t have one happy moment with Callum, something always trying to tear us apart. Like the world had something against us.

Insomnia. It turns people into different people. Destroys people. Me. I’m not anyone special, just another pawn in the world’s cruellest game of chess. A chess game that neither of us had no chance of winning...


	2. Before

“We’re going out for that meal later ent we?”

“Err, yeah, think so, if it’s the one you like?” Callum muttered, staring at his lap.

“Eh?” Ben walked back out of their bathroom, frowning at Callum.

“Pick whichever colour you like?”

Callum jumped, looking up at Ben, chucking himself down on the bed. “Talk to me.”

“About what? I’m fine.” Callum smiled, brushing Ben’s wet hair out of his face.

“No you ent. I know when your not telling me something. I can’t pick a colour of a restaurant we’re going to can I?” He smiled.

“What??”

“Precisely. You ent got a clue what I said earlier. Your miles away. Just wanna know your okay.”

“Course I am. Don’t you worry about me-“

“Cal?” Callum looked up at Ben, a certain amount of sternness to his voice, refusing to let it lie.

“I’m just stressed out at work, I’ll be fine, I promise.”

“You sure that’s all it is??”

“Yeah course, you head off to work, I need to head into the station today anyway.”

“You’ve been weird for weeks?”

“Ben, come on, I said didn’t I?”

“Okay?” Ben nodded, still not entirely convinced. “I coulda said the sky was green and you’d have agreed with me?” He smiled.

“I’d agree with anything you say?” Callum grinned.

Ben slid onto the bed fully, sitting on Callum’s legs, wrapping his own around Callum’s waist.

“So if I said, you tell work your sick, you’d stay here with me all day?”

Callum shook his head at Ben, looking so hopeful.

“You know I’d love to, but I really can’t babe.”

Ben pouted at him, leaning forward and pressing their mouths together. “Pretty please?” He whispered against his lips.

“I can’t.” Callum muttered pressing quick light kisses in succession against Ben’s lips.

“Worth a try innit?”

“Go. To. Work.” Callum grinned, shoving Ben off him onto the bed.

“Hey!” Ben frowned. “No need for that.”

“You’d keep me hostage here if I didn’t make you go!”

“Point proven.” Ben huffed, slightly disappointed at not succeeding this time. “I’m going?”

~*~

“Did you go to work?” Ben frowned, chucking his jacket on the side on his way in.

“What, oh, yeah, got in early.” Callum muttered.

“What’s that?” Ben tried to keep his voice light, knowing instantly there was something wrong with Callum.

He was sat on the sofa, staring at a piece of paper, his hands scrunched into the corners crumpling it slightly at the edges.

“A letter...” Ben barley heard him, looking up at Ben slowly, his eyes threatening to give way and burst into tears at any moment. “Sit with me?”

“Your not ill are you, course if it’s something like that, we’ll be fine, yeah?”

“Of course not, nothing like that.”

“Why’d do you-“

“Ben, can you just sit down please?”

Ben sat down slowly next to him, Callum giving it to him.

“I should have told you weeks ago. But I couldn’t...”

Ben skimmed through it, not looking back up at Callum for a while after he’d finished, just staring at the words on the page.

“They want you to go back to the Army...”

“I’ve been trying to work out ways to tell you for weeks, but I didn’t want to upset you...”

“Upset me?!” Ben cried. “Your gonna leave me and you didn’t think of telling me?”

“I’m not leaving you?” Callum promised.

“No, I won’t allow it!”

Ben dropped back against the chair and crossed his arms over his chest, glaring out in front of him.

“This is why I didn’t tell you.”

Ben couldn’t find any words to say, exhaling loudly instead.

“I don’t want you to go.” Ben whispered, not angry anymore.

“I know you don’t.” Callum sighed, pushing himself back, next to Ben. Ben shuffled across, melting into him, resting his head against Callum’s chest. “They really need me, Ben.”

“I could give you a thousand reasons why you shouldn’t go.”

“I mean, the some of the uniforms are ugly?”

Ben rolled his eyes. “Of course, that’s what _you’d_ be worried about.”

“Well, what are you worried about?”

“I-” Ben stopped in his tracks. “You…? I just… I don’t want you to go over to a whole different country and never come home. I’m worried about you, okay? That’s why I don’t want you to go.”

Callum was silent for a moment, lightly stroking Ben’s hair.

“You know the army ent just fighting? I could just be doing simple stuff most of the time. I mean, I was chef for a lot of it last time.”

“Precisely? ‘Could be’. And what if that one time they need you to fight, you seriously hurt yourself or worse? I don’t think I could cope if I lost you.”

“You know I’ll always try my absolute hardest to keep myself okay for you.”

“You can’t guarantee that? I just don’t want you to go at all. It’s your duty, yadda yadda, but what about your duty here? At _home_? I won’t know what to do with myself half the time without you here.”

“I’ll video call you all the time, write to you and I can still call you too? You won’t even notice I’ve gone.”

Ben scoffed, wrapping his arm around Callum a little tighter not wanting to let him go yet.

“I highly doubt that.”

“I know...” Callum whispered, pressing a kiss on the top of his head. “It’s not gonna be for that long. A few months, a year tops.”

“A _year_?! I won’t be able to cope with days, let alone months or even a year?”

“You will cope, cos I promise I’ll come home to you.”

“Where is it? At least I’ll know where you are then.”

“Afghanistan. But we get moved sometimes. I’d tell you anyway.”

Ben nodded slowly, closing his eyes, every worse-case scenario running through his mind.

“Don’t do that.” Callum whispered, knowing exactly what Ben was thinking, silently torturing himself.

“I can’t help it, I’m terrified for you, not me?”

“I know you are.” He sighed. “I promise I’ll try an avoid dangerous situations as best I can. The army isn’t just fighting. It’s more than that.”

“I know, just promise me you won’t do anything reckless like I know you do.”

“I promise.” Callum nodded quickly.

“How long we got left?”

“Don’t say it like that. I might only be gone for a month?”

“It’s still too long...” Ben sighed.

“And we’ll have all the time in the world when I get back. Loads of time left.”

Callum looked at Ben, a small smile lighting up his face.

“I’ve got to go, next week.” Callum whispered.

“Already?? I thought we’d have more time than that. I just wanna do stuff with you before you go.”

“We will, all next week. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, I should have. I just didn’t want you to worry for any longer than you need to.”

“That’s cos you care.” Ben smiled.

“I know, scrap that meal later, how about we book a holiday, for next year, just in case I am away for the year.”

“Yeah?” Ben looked up at Callum, still stroking his hair.

“You pick, we can go wherever you want. Hot, cold, I don’t care. As long I’m with you, I’ll be happy.”

“I’ll be happy as soon as your home.” Ben smiled.

“Come on.” Callum grinned, grabbing his laptop of the coffee table in front of them. “For everyone, you, me, Lex, Lo, Jay. You can even bring your Mum and Dad if it makes you happy. Oh and Stu. Oh wait, Rainie too now. Think we’ll need a bus to get there.” He chuckled. “And we can go on holiday too, just the two of us another time.”

“Err, that can wait until later? If I’ve only got a week, I intend to fuck the life out you for a whole week.”

Callum grinned at Ben, the biggest beam on his face, eyes sparkling. “I love you. I already know I’m gonna miss waking up to that pretty face every morning.”

“As will I.” Ben grinned, dragging Callum with him up the stairs.


End file.
